Sunday, February 8, 2009

One person

The one person.  That's who I talked to today...the one person on this earth who really understands me, knows me, gets what I've been going through.  It was such a relief I cried. Lots of people have been very supportive, many have said kind, wise things, and those words mean a lot to me, but this was different.  And I'm not talking about the Beve, even though he's a great friend, and the other half of myself.  I love Beve to pieces, but I learned the first couple years of our marriage that he couldn't fill every need.  He's a very good man, but he is a man.  When I'm hurting, Beve's instinct to fix it.  Before I have the whole paragraph of my feelings out, he's thrown out a couple of practical suggestions that would make things better.  I'm wont to say, "I don't want you to fix me, I want you to listen."  His heart is right, his intentional good, but I have brooding in my DNA. Leaning into pain is part of the process for me--it always has been.

So today I finally had a conversation with the one person who just got it, who didn't try to figure out a solution, didn't try to cheer me up, or tell me that things are going to be better tomorrow.  She just listened, and had a few salient observations to make. "The problem is that you're your father's child.  The idea that worth comes from accomplishment was something you drank in every glass of milk."  As she said that, I began to cry.  That's more true than I've even admitted to myself, more than she even knew.  To not succeed would have been anathema to my father.  "Yes," she said. "You're a failure...we all are."

It's true.  And I know this, not only about myself (which is what I've been focusing on lately) but about every human being who ever lived.  The reality is, we're all a bunch of losers.  Some people just hide that beneath human accomplishments. And I also know--KNOW--that my worth isn't based on what I do or don't do.  Even if I never accomplish anything of value in the world's eyes.  My worth was created in me before I was born.  It's based on who made me, why He made me, who He made me to be.

I feel like something lifted off my chest this afternoon.  Just to be known, accepted, loved as she did.  Just letting me be, not being my cheerleader, just being my friend.  I needed those words today.  I needed this friend, this one person--this god-given person.  And I'm glad I have her.

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