I've said this before, I know, but not for me just gentle Jesus calming His hand across a child's hair. I also need--especially need!--the stern, even angry Jesus who yells at storms and overturns temples. I need my storms abated, the ones I cause myself, especially. And I most definitely need the temple of myself upended, the money-changers and defilers of my soul rooted out. Spare me nothing, Lord, in your great love fore me. Love me so much You do whatever it takes, so there is NOTHING left that dishonors You this day. Even only for this day. Start here.
I know of course. I know that the most-beloved-of-God-people of the scriptures were also great sinners. Abraham, trying to out-figure God when it came to an heir by laying with Hagar, not to mention, passing his wife off as his sister. Noah, the one God saved when God destroyed the world by flood, slept with his own daughters-in-law while in a drunken stupor. Jacob passed himself off as his brother. And David. Well, his most well-known sin--Bathsheba--resulted in a string of terrible events/sins in his family (though his repentance was profound, powerful and is used as my model weekly, daily, hourly--"wash me with hyssop, create in me a clean heart!" There is no better Psalm, in some ways, than Psalm 51). Then Peter. Oh, Jesus, Peter. And Paul as well.
Sinners all. So do I dare to dream I will be less a sinner than these? Ok, yes, I do. But not because of myself. I dare to pray for the Holy Spirit to keep me, to hem me in. I do not for one minute, for one milisecond, believe I am as great in His master plan as any of them--how ludicrious to even write such a sentence--but in my own minuteness, I do believe that the Spirit dwells within me, just as He did them. And that His presence within me gives me exactly the same access to God as the giants of the faith--ALL the giants of the faith--today, yesterday, and for all time. I may live the smallest of lives (thank God!), but my small life counts exactly as much as the largest life that has ever been lived.
"Take me, Jesus, as I am. I can come no other way. Take me deeper into you, teach me how to walk Your way. Meld me like a precious stone. Crystal clear and finely honed. Light of Jesus shining through, giving glory back to You."