Sunday, September 4, 2011

Stinkin' up the place

Remember that children's book, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day? The kind of things that went wrong for that little boy were little boy problems, but pain is always relative, and those terrible, horrible things consumed everything for him.  Ate up his day. 
Well, I've had that kind of weekend. I discovered so rather significant mistakes--not sins, but mistakes that one can blame on the fact that my brain turns to mush when it comes to numbers.  The consequences of these mistakes have ramifications for us, our kids, our finances...well, I'm not going to humiliate myself by confessing any more about them, but let me just say this.  I thought I had been soooo proactive earlier this summer.  Ahead of the game.  Turns out my math inability married my techno-inability and stunk up the place. And like a skunk, that stink is going to hang around a stinkin' long time.  And get this--not once, but in TWO different ways in the last two days.   ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Here's the thing:  I don't usually feel like a failure. I realize this will sound a little strange.  After all the superficial facts of my life would certainly point to something of potential not reached.  That is, no career, a novel not published, lots and lots of education not used.  Not even a job to my credit.  And by the world's standards that assessment would be correct.  My resume is sadly lacking. 

Still, in the place where my deepest self lives in this body, there lives with me One who reminds me on a daily basis that I have value.  And He has lived with and in me so long that I believe it.  Yes, I believe that I fail.  I am aware--again today more than usual--that failure is more than just a possibility but a dance I've joined without intention.  I'm feeling like a failure today and it sits uneasily on me.  I want to make it all vanish into smoke.  But there are consequences and they will be both pricy and lasting, and I cannot make fix that.  I cannot.

Still (as I said), I am not my own. And it's in His Kingdom that my worth is found.  Not as the world sees me, but as God sees me.  These are not just words I write on this page, trite and repeated by people to ward off pain, but truth.  The world can call me whatever it wishes.  I know whose I am.  And if I'm a failure here, so be it.  Better a failure here than a success here and a failure with God.  And honestly, He's the only way I can account for why this day ISN'T a terrible, horrible, no-good, very-bad day.

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