Friday, May 4, 2012

Eyes open through the night

Because I'm at my sister's house in Eastern Washington, I have no access to my bookcase full of journals, so I have no choice but to cull a journal entry from my most recent blue composition book. Unfortunately I only began using this current journal on March 7th, so there aren't many pages to randomly pick from. However, I'll give it a go and hope for the best. By that I mean, I'll hope I don't choose something I've already written about here in the last couple of months.

Friday, March 16
"My eyes stay open through the watches of the night, 
that I may meditate on your precepts." Psalm 119: 148


Definitely true that my eyes stay open. They always have. Sleeplessness has dogged me so long that I can't remember what it was like to say my nightly prayers, have 'Mommy and Daddy' turn out the lights, and then fall asleep quickly. Maybe I didn't even do it then.
But even when my eyes stay open in those post-midnight hours when I'm tossing and turning, it's also true that meditating on His word is a sure way to keep me grounded.  Then it really is good that I'm sleepless, as this Psalm says. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be more like J, more prone to depression and imbalance if He hadn't been keeping me straight and upright (in every sense) not only through the watches of the night, also in every sense, from such an early age. There were times--I think of the post-AC years [a broken engagement] when drifting into clinical depression was not merely a possibility but seemed like a relief. To simply NOT BE: I remember wishing for that. To have to wake up every day and feel was beyond what I thought I could do. But prayer wasn't. In fact, it was ALL I could do. Every day and all day, even when those prayers smacked of selfishness and oozed of 'gimme!', they were honest and gutteral, and God took the intent and the Holy Spirit prayed the Truth from within and held me us beyond my own holding. Without Him, I might be...well, I don't have the faintest idea what I'd be. 


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3 comments:

Modern Day Disciple said...

So appreciate your dedication...and brave for sharing in the newer journal. Harder, yes? Love the rawness- so feel I have walked that line wishing for dangers that seem better than the reality at times. How His word holds us together like glue between fragmented pieces...so good - I do not know where I would be as well. Nowhere good is certain.

Recovering Church Lady said...

wow, powerful post and such a wonderful lesson in the place of prayer in a desperate heart. No prayer is ever wasted, I recall someone telling me that and it moved it from a small thing to a big and powerful thing. Thanks for linking up!
Susie

Pamela M. Steiner said...

I know those night watches well...and isn't it amazing how God is able to impress His thoughts upon our hearts during the night watches? Oftentimes without our even being aware of what He is doing...but He is there...always. Thank you for sharing this with us today.