Because I'm at my sister's house in Eastern Washington, I have no access to my bookcase full of journals, so I have no choice but to cull a journal entry from my most recent blue composition book. Unfortunately I only began using this current journal on March 7th, so there aren't many pages to randomly pick from. However, I'll give it a go and hope for the best. By that I mean, I'll hope I don't choose something I've already written about here in the last couple of months.
Friday, March 16
"My eyes stay open through the watches of the night,
that I may meditate on your precepts." Psalm 119: 148
Definitely true that my eyes stay open. They always have. Sleeplessness has dogged me so long that I can't remember what it was like to say my nightly prayers, have 'Mommy and Daddy' turn out the lights, and then fall asleep quickly. Maybe I didn't even do it then.
But even when my eyes stay open in those post-midnight hours when I'm tossing and turning, it's also true that meditating on His word is a sure way to keep me grounded. Then it really is good that I'm sleepless, as this Psalm says. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be more like J, more prone to depression and imbalance if He hadn't been keeping me straight and upright (in every sense) not only through the watches of the night, also in every sense, from such an early age. There were times--I think of the post-AC years [a broken engagement] when drifting into clinical depression was not merely a possibility but seemed like a relief. To simply NOT BE: I remember wishing for that. To have to wake up every day and feel was beyond what I thought I could do. But prayer wasn't. In fact, it was ALL I could do. Every day and all day, even when those prayers smacked of selfishness and oozed of 'gimme!', they were honest and gutteral, and God took the intent and the Holy Spirit prayed the Truth from within and held me us beyond my own holding. Without Him, I might be...well, I don't have the faintest idea what I'd be.
Check out this blog for other great treasures from the random journal day linkup!