Thursday, June 28, 2012

Always this tall

Once again it's Random Journal Link-up # 14

I don't have much backstory to this one. It's just a random post from a random middle-aged woman one random (probably rainy) February night.

Wednesday, February 10, 2009
I was standing in the bathroom a moment ago, my elbows on the counter in order to peer closely into the mirror. It's a ritual I've repeated myriad times over the last few years...ever since I first noticed that whiskers have begun to grow in one particular spot on the left side of my chin, right along the jaw line. Just two or three of them but they're annoying. For a moment tonight as I plucked them, I imagined being 30 years older, squinty-eyed and unable to pluck my own unwanted hairs. Will a strange curly one grow out of my cheek or off the end of my nose? And will I be too old and infirmed to take care of my own ablutions--or even notice them? If so, who will do it? Who will tell me? And will I listen? I can't quite imagine an 80-year-old Beve trying to pluck my face.

We get older every day. And sometimes I even feel it. But most of the time my inner self feels exactly the same as I felt at 16 or maybe even 10. As I've often said, "I can't remember becoming tall enough to see over the kitchen counters." That is, inside I've always been exactly the same size. Intellectually I know I've grown, but I don't remember it. I almost remember being small, but maybe I just remember the feeling of being on Dad's shoulders, or held in Mom's lap.  And I remember pulling out drawers to stand on, my feet on the outer edges (though I'm pretty sure Mom didn't like me doing it!), and standing on the wooden stool to wash and dry dishes in Michigan. But those are all memories, not actual feelings. That is, despite those memories, it still 'feels' like I've always been this tall.

And I think the same holds true spiritually as well. That is, it feels like I've always been exactly this tall with Christ. Though cerebrally I KNOW I'm in a different place with Him than I was at 14, I still feel like me. It's only in looking backwards that I can really tell the difference. Even at that, there are times when I'm so dry that it's like I've regressed all the way back to that childhood with God. To childishness--not child-likeness. I wonder if I'll still be feeling this way when He's beckoning me into Glory itself. Like I'm still just a child. Still just a child but one with whiskers on her chin and her mother's face in the mirror. Sigh.


Hands to Work, Hearts to God said...

Sometimes we don't feel we've grown but I guess God knows. I forget which saint said that our growth is like a spiral, it's not straight up vertical. Growth in the Lord is complicated! Patsy from

Pamela M. Steiner said...

It's interesting to note that it seems as though the older we get, the more we realize that we are still that "young" person inside, the same little girl, only with a grown up (or out, or old) body who still yearns to be loved, understood, and recognized as a person of worth. Thankfully, our HEavenly Father has always seen us that way...always loved us that way, and always thought we were worthy enough to die for. "Amazing love, how can it be? That Thou My God wouldst die for me?"

Modern Day Disciple said...

Oh my -= I have those annoying chin hairs. My hubby hates when I whip out the tweezers in the car (the best lighting to pluck!)
I still feel like a kid inside. It's the outside that is a betrayer! ALways love your shares!

Kristina said...

What a neat entry to share. I can relate to feeling young, maybe not small so much although I am pretty small. And unfortunately I can relate to chin hairs as well. (shhh!)

Kathryn Ross said...

Well, milady - great minds think alike. Not only have I - within the last half hour - just wrestles those nasty facial chin and lip hair off my face with equally nasty creme remover, but I completely agree about the connection to the child within. I sometime flash to sensations or pictures of those smaller times and take a split second cuddle with that little girl. It is keeping my inner child so alive that makes my storyteller career work - that and His Story is ever fresh and best told to the child-like. I loved this - so glad you shared. This is my first link-in with you journal keepers - I'll be back!