Wednesday, September 5, 2012

An explanation

The writing impulse has been stilled lately. There's no profound reason for this, sadly. I wish I could say I've been settling into silence purposely in order to reboot, so to speak, since, as I wrote last week, I am made for such rebooting from the daily noise of life to the quiet that comes only with Him. And within. No, there's a simple prosaic reason for my silence. Or I should say a simple medicinal one.

Last week I saw my neurologist. The people who work in that office have come to know me so well, they pull out my chart as I walk through the door, asked me about my new puppy, my summer guests, Grampie...well, it's almost like we're friends, but for the small, insignificant fact that they're sitting behind a counter complete with glass window which they close the moment our conversation is finished, and are there to take my money, make sure my insurance is up-to-date, and rarely divulge more than a snippet about their own lives.
Nevertheless, we have developed a relationship of sorts in the decade I've been coming to that neurology office.

A decade. Ten years. Yikes, that sounds like a long time. A long time and a whole lot of treatment--if only you knew the various things that have been tried to stem the ongoing and (dare I say) increasing nerve pain in my left leg?  And before you begin suggesting alternative treatments to me, they've most likely already been suggested and discarded when they also failed to be successful.  So here I am. Living my life, and being grateful for this office and the doctor who continues to to help me find some level of comfort.

Last Tuesday when I saw him, I had to tell him that a new symptom has developed: the inexplicable unreliability of the leg in holding me when I stand. Not every time--no, that would be too easy. But capriciously. Without warning. This moment when I try to stand, I lose my balance, fall back into the chair or couch. It's annoying. Really annoying.

So a new medication was added to the cache I swallow each morning (yes, all at once, like a pile of cod liver oil in mixed sizes and shapes).

And here's the rub of this new medication: it makes me so drowsy that before the clock strikes noon, my eyes are sinking into the horizon and I'm staring blankly into whatever space is left. Me...a person who can hardly sleep at night, so sleepy during the day you'd think I was pregnant (since that was the only other time in my life I was like this).

The good news is that the medication actually seems to be working--I haven't tripped yet this morning. Thank God! The bad news is two-fold. First, the doctor said this might happen until I get used to it, and, as usual, he was dead on--dang it! The compounding bad news is that I double my dose tomorrow (two hours isn't quite long enough to assume I've hit the right dose yet). So...will I be doubly sleepy tomorrow? Hmmm.

All this to say, I'm in no shape to write unless I write here and now for a moment or two. You'll have to excuse my silence for a while. I'll try to find the small window of inspiration and coherency to put it on screen. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go back to staring blankly into space.


E said...

One more week! (Hopefully.)

Pamela M. Steiner said...

Hmmm, I know you said you've had all the tests, etc. I had a very similar problem...discovered that I had "isthmic spondylolistheses", (spelling may be incorrect) or "slipping of the spine"...a genetic defect that manifested itself as I aged and my discs deteriorated. My lumbar spine was slipping out over the narrowed disc, pinching the nerves and eventually causing me to not have any feeling in my legs when I'd stand up...and then I'd fall. Had to have surgery to fuse the vertebrae together, and now I am fine. No more pain, no more nerves blocked, no tingling, and no legs disappearing out from under me. Please look this up and check with your Dr. You may need a neurosurgeon instead... I will pray for you. Healing would be marvelous...and God is certainly able to do that. But sometimes He chooses other methods to heal. I can only say that this is what brought about my healing...and it definitely sounds so familiar to the symptoms that I experienced. Obviously, I am not a Dr., and I don't know your history...but it might be worth checking into if this hasn't already been ruled out. Praying for you. Please let me know what you discover, or if I am way off base on this in your situation. Who knows? This may be why we've connected?

jeskmom said...

Thanks for the input, Pam. Yes, that's been ruled out. Interestingly, my husband has ankelosis spondiolytis, so we know the symtoms well. My problem comes from a car accident when I was seven years old. My left hip was pushed into my back bone. Back then there were no specialized equipment to show how bad the damage was so though there was a gash all the way to the bone, that was considered the extent of the damage. However, when I reached my mid-forties the scar-tissue (which had always been there) began to cause great pain like old football injuries hurt athletes as they age. These is nothing to be done surgically without creating MORE scarring. So I press on, believing God has purpose in suffering and giving Him praise for "His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in [my] weakness."

Pamela M. Steiner said...

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers...and pray that God reveals a way to bring relief and healing to you. It is wonderful to be able to continue giving God praise in the midst of pain and difficulty. Many times that is the key to healing. I am reading Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts" right now...and am finding that God is showing me new ways to give Him praise every the ordinary and simple things of life as well as the complex. IT truly does lift the spirit and helps to erase the spectre of gloom and sorrow. One day at a time...
Praying for you now.