I've been in a bit of a funk lately. Feeling blue, one might say.
And it's been really surprising. Not merely to me, but to my giant husband who has lived with my many moods for more than half my life. He knows my face--or all my faces, since I wear my moods on my face more than many people. I'm not so much for hiding. If you don't believe me, just read my blog.
Oh wait, I guess you are reading it.
Anyway, so feeling blue. Or down. Or malaise, or whatever you want to call it.
It's an odd thing because I'm not naturally a 'down' person. Trust me, this is the case. I mean, I can feel sad as a natural consequence to sad events, can cry at those sad puppy and kitty commercials (dang it!), or movies or stories. And when people are hurting around me, I hurt with them. Cry out for them. For example, Beve and I walked into Grampie's room a couple of days ago, and he was sitting in his wheelchair with his shirt unbuttoned, his pants unzipped, and he didn't even notice. He kept asking when he was taking off, and where he was going. And when we called Thyrza, he asked her the same question. Then not only didn't say another word, but wheeled himself away while she was still talking. To see him like this is heart-breaking. For him, for Beve, for the rest of those who love him. I can cry right now thinking of who he was and who he's become...and what he might be reduced to before it's over.
But, even as we deal with him, and other very serious issues, I generally feel content--a contentment I've always attributed to the presence of the Holy Spirit within. Yes, I've struggled. Yes, there are times when pain has pressed heavily on me, but...
not like this.
Beve and I have talked about it a whole lot. Because some/most of my sadness has been directed toward him. I've been needy with him. Jealous of his time. Acting like an insecure young wife rather than...well, me.
And it's bewildered him.
Not surprisingly. If he's steady, I'm at least sanguine.
Really. Made for joy.
And we're us. US.
Certain of who we are. Who he is. Who I am.
And certainly who the threefold cord that is not easily broken is.
So all this 'blueness' is out of character. For me and for our marriage.
So why even admit it? Why not pretend that I'm never anything but wholly great and wise and amazing?
Well, because I'm a real person. Not a cardboard cut-out who never struggles or has a perfect heart, or anything else. I'm only me.
But here's the thing.
God revealed a few things that aren't new but felt like a hammer to my dull brain.
If it takes being hit on the temple, and it's hit by Him, I'll take it--any time!
It's the enemy who robs us of joy, who makes us worry and fret and needy and all those things.
And all the stressful situations of the last year made me ripe for the enemy's picking. And believe me, the field of my life was ripe for him.
The enemy waits for such things--he's like a prowling lion, we're told. He waited for his chance. And leapt. Plucked. And the result was my rotting, sad, distrusting, weaknesses turning on my beloved Beve who did nothing but stand there and take it.
ONLY the Holy Spirit can fight him. I can't. "Ephesians 6, Carolyn, Ephesians 6," God whispered this morning. "Stand and stand firm and stand. And He will fight." As the Message puts it in Romans 8, "With God (the Holy Spirit) on our side like this, how can we lose?"
And, that hammer struck my head and I thought, OF COURSE! I've been so silly.
Yes, so ridiculous.
Nothing can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus.
And when I remember this, and know it--know it--to the marrow of my bones, the joy returns all the way to the surface. I am restored.
I am built for joy.
That's the truth. Kingdom truth--that I am built for Joy.
So I claim it in His Name.