Thursday, October 11, 2012

Built for Joy

I've been in a bit of a funk lately. Feeling blue, one might say.
And it's been really surprising. Not merely to me, but to my giant husband who has lived with my many moods for more than half my life. He knows my face--or all my faces, since I wear my moods on my face more than many people. I'm not so much for hiding. If you don't believe me, just read my blog.
Oh wait, I guess you are reading it.

Anyway, so feeling blue. Or down. Or malaise, or whatever you want to call it.

It's an odd thing because I'm not naturally a 'down' person. Trust me, this is the case. I mean, I can feel sad as a natural consequence to sad events, can cry at those sad puppy and kitty commercials (dang it!), or movies or stories. And when people are hurting around me, I hurt with them. Cry out for them. For example, Beve and I walked into Grampie's room a couple of days ago, and he was sitting in his wheelchair with his shirt unbuttoned, his pants unzipped, and he didn't even notice. He kept asking when he was taking off, and where he was going. And when we called Thyrza, he asked her the same question. Then not only didn't say another word, but wheeled himself away while she was still talking. To see him like this is heart-breaking. For him, for Beve, for the rest of those who love him. I can cry right now thinking of who he was and who he's become...and what he might be reduced to before it's over.

But, even as we deal with him, and other very serious issues, I generally feel content--a contentment I've always attributed to the presence of the Holy Spirit within. Yes, I've struggled. Yes, there are times when pain has pressed heavily on me, but...

not like this.
Beve and I have talked about it a whole lot. Because some/most of my sadness has been directed toward him. I've been needy with him. Jealous of his time. Acting like an insecure young wife rather than...well, me.
And it's bewildered him.
Not surprisingly. If he's steady, I'm at least sanguine.
Really. Made for joy.
And we're us. US.
Certain of who we are. Who he is. Who I am.
And certainly who the threefold cord that is not easily broken is.

So all this 'blueness' is out of character. For me and for our marriage.
So why even admit it? Why not pretend that I'm never anything but wholly great and wise and amazing?
Well, because I'm a real person. Not a cardboard cut-out who never struggles or has a perfect heart, or anything else. I'm only me.

But here's the thing.
This morning,
God revealed a few things that aren't new but felt like a hammer to my dull brain.
If it takes being hit on the temple, and it's hit by Him, I'll take it--any time!
Thank Him.

It's the enemy who robs us of joy, who makes us worry and fret and needy and all those things.
And all the stressful situations of the last year made me ripe for the enemy's picking. And believe me, the field of my life was ripe for him.
The enemy waits for such things--he's like a prowling lion, we're told. He waited for his chance. And leapt. Plucked. And the result was my rotting, sad, distrusting, weaknesses turning on my beloved Beve who did nothing but stand there and take it.

ONLY the Holy Spirit can fight him. I can't. "Ephesians 6, Carolyn, Ephesians 6," God whispered this morning. "Stand and stand firm and stand. And He will fight." As the Message puts it in Romans 8, "With God (the Holy Spirit) on our side like this, how can we lose?"
And, that hammer struck my head and I thought, OF COURSE! I've been so silly.
Yes, so ridiculous.

Nothing can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus.
And when I remember this, and know it--know it--to the marrow of my bones, the joy returns all the way to the surface. I am restored.

I am built for joy.
That's the truth. Kingdom truth--that I am built for Joy.
So I claim it in His Name.


Pamela M. Steiner said...

Yes, claim victory in Jesus! However, I would like to suggest that sometimes the physical strains of life for women at "our age" can lead to such feelings of malaise, low self esteem, etc. Hormonal changes do effect our moods, energy levels, and general feelings of well being, no matter how strong our spiritual life may be. You may need to talk to your may need some vitamin B12 or some other such simple thing that can make a big difference! Been there...still working through some of that myself. It sometimes pays to rule out all possibilities... ((((hugs)))) are always helpful too. :)

jeskmom said...

Thanks, Pamela, I already had an appointment scheduled. I see my dr. this afternoon. Because I have so many physical issues, and take meds to combat them, I wanted to be certain every stone was uncovered, so to speak.

Pamela M. Steiner said...

Hope your Dr. appointment was helpful. Will be praying for you, that you will find some answers that will be encouraging. God works in mysterious ways, and not always the way we expect. But we can trust the One Who died for us! Amen?

jeskmom said...