Today's the first Friday of October so you know what that means, don't you? Yep, it's'ye ol' Random Journal Link-up Day.
But I'm not feeling completely random. Just semi-random. Actually, that's a rather good description of my real personality. I'm random within boundaries. I color within the lines, but I don't have to make things their proper colors. I like the boldness of the unexpected.
Anyway, enough about my personality...except that this month this journal, this entry is ALL about my personality. Or my life's journey, I might say. Or pilgrimage. "I have set my heart on pilgrimage," says Psalm 84, and this entry reeks of that. You see, this is from the first page of the first of these blue notebooks.
I was 20 years old, and had finished my sophomore year in college and was off on what I then called, "An adventure with my name on it." You see, I went to Eugene without ever having checked out the schools to which I'd been accepted. I just packed up my stuff, got my housing assignment in a dorm at NCC and went. (And imagine that--I'd lived in an apartment at WSU. I moved into an all-girls dorm at NCC with so mnay rules it was like a time-travel back to the 1950s--talk about culture-shock!) "Going with Blind Faith," I told people. It was my secret pun. A blue notebook in which I'd pour out my faith and doubts and prayers alike. Prior to that, I'd always used three-ring binders for my journals.
As you can tell, I became addicted to these blue notebooks. Addicted to living with that "Blind Faith," I guess you might say. "For faith is the substance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen," Hebrews 11:1 (NASB) says. Yes, I still live with that kind of blind faith, I suppose. Both ways--in Him. Thank Him.
So bear with the very young me as she pours out her first mixed feelings about this journey.
Sunday, September 18
Sheesh, from tears to laughter in one easy lesson. Just belief in Jesus Christ. I was empty today, more vacant than I've ever been, because any love from humans has become only in my memory. I don't remember EVER being in a place where I've felt so completely alone. And so it remains. But God chose this path for me, and I can't help being excited. I know it was His will and was reassured when I heard that word "adventure" tonight at my first fellowship here. And I love Him for it.
Yes, I'll be lonely again. But there are people around, and they also know Him. They struggle with homesickness, sorrow and all kinds of things I can't even imagine, maybe harder things than I have to bear. Maybe that's why I'm here, to walk with them as God walks with all of us.