Thursday, November 6, 2014

Tears

I've been tearing up a lot lately.  Tearing up about things that haven't always touched my tear ducts, even when I've felt deeply emotional about them. I'm not a crier by nature, but somehow the world wrings it from me these days. I'm not talking about the huge, over-arching sadness of a world going its own way, either, the story that started in the Garden and continues to cause war and enmity and fissions from here to Kingdom come. I'm talking about the smaller stories that mark my small life, the ones I know first hand:

  • Friends who live from MRI to MRI because the brain tumor inside her head is a death sentence, and she finally told him, "I think it's time we talked to Hospice." He knows we're in it with them, but what makes me teary is how alone they both actually feel. Late at night when she falls and he must use brute strength to lift her, they feel very alone. We tell them, "Call us,Beve can lift her without breaking a sweat." But they don't. It's hard to learn to drop one's walls, to admit need. How do we learn that independence is NOT the best way to live?
  • My daughter's roommate is in leadership in a very well-known ministry. And right now, is facing pretty hard enemy opposition. I tread lightly speaking of this, because it's not mine to tell, but she ministers in love, and the enemy hates that, is agitating and undermining her ministry. It's so clear to me, but it also makes me teary to think of the pain she feels from those she serves. I keep thinking, "Greater is He who is in you, CJ, than He who is in the world!" and pray she knows it and Knows it and KNOWS it to her core. The enemy wants to rob--not from human hands--from God!
  • Speaking of SK, she got her California driver's license a couple of weeks ago and sent me a picture of it. And I cried when I saw it. What's interesting about this is that when SK moved, I felt teary, but trusted her certainty that God was in the move. I watched how He parted the waters for her. But somewhere, I suppose, I held on to the idea that she didn't really live there completely as long as she still had a Washington driver's license and ours was her permanent address. But our youngest child is a full-fledged adult with a life of her own. And it's okay that it makes a Mama a little sad. Isn't it?
  • We hope to have Grampie here by Thanksgiving. And the closer we get, the more anxious I get. Raise your hand if you're surprised by this. It's a GIANT thing we're undertaking. Once he moves in, my life especially will completely change. Beve will still go to work every day, but I will be here, won't be able to leave the house, won't be free to go anywhere for any reason if there isn't another person here. We do plan to have an CNA (Certified Nurse's Aide) here four hours each morning, but we'll see how much freedom that allows me. So I'm anxious and this anxiety can make me pretty teary. Please pray for me. For all of us.
That's all I've got at the moment.

2 comments:

Pamela M. Steiner said...

Oh wow! You are carrying burdens you are not meant to carry alone. Thank goodness we know Jesus...and He promised to carry your burdens for you. Be sure to let Him do that, ok? And we, your friends out here in cyberspace will pray that God will be there for each of these dear ones and you in the midst of it all. As for Grampie coming, I am praying a lot about that. We are not co-caretakers for my MIL, who has dementia. She lives with my BIL, but we are going to take her every other weekend...and have already done that this past weekend...and believe me, it IS a huge challenge. She is still mobile and healthy physically for 91, but the dementia is changing her into a very dependent 2-year old child who clings to my "skirt" and wants constant attention just like my toddlers once did. I can assure you it will be a major change in your life to have him there 24-7. Take advantage of every possibility for home health assistance...sitters, bathers, whatever they can give you. You will need it. Not trying to discourage you, but just want to you be aware and prepared. If you don't have a back up system, you will burn out very quickly. Praying for you as you give of yourself so lovingly and willingly. May God continue to give you the grace and strength you will need. He is able...but be sure to accept whatever "gifts" are offered. Love in Christ to you my sister across the continent. You are in my prayers.

Pamela M. Steiner said...

Correction above, I should have said, "WE ARE NOW co-caretakers", not "We are NOT"...