Friday, May 1, 2015

Light and darkness

It's May. Tomorrow's my middle sister's birthday and I'm thinking of her, as I always do about now. May's a busy month for my family of origin. Three of them, plus Mother's day plus (and this is no small thing) the 31st anniversary of this two-become-life I live with the Beve. So it's always like a celebration. The only month that comes as close for my own family is July, where we squish 3 birthdays in one short week (my youngest sister has a month like that too--February).

Anyway, today is also Random Journal Link-up day in my corner of the blogosphere. I didn't participate last month. The Finns had just arrived and, without a lap-top of my own at the moment, it was hard to find time to use Beve's. Too many of us were clamoring for it at the only time of the day we weren't entertaining. So I come with joy to this day, glad to be back in the saddle with all these other journal-keepers. Please check them out--there are crazy-creative people who invite us into their lives for this one day, and it's like magic (in the best sense) to have that peek here.

So what to share tonight?
Hmm, I find a bit about my sister hidden in the pages of 1995.  Gritty and true, and still true 20 years later.
Talking to LD. In a perfect world she'd live next door. When I say, "Here I am, this is me," she answers, "I knew that. I have always known that." She said she chose to be weird, in her brightness, that she embraced the label (even at an early age) to the brainy ones. She allowed it to govern her individuality. Her distinctiveness is what reels me in; it's so clear and certain. I don't want to ever be other than who she is...And yet my heart longs with a broken-hearted love for her to commit her uniqueness to Jesus Christ. I lean back through all the years of sharing a room, toys, imaginative games with her and can hardly tolerate her distance from Him. How can I love SO MUCH one who is not my Father's child? She's my sister, my own LD.
Exactly how the Father tolerates it. He hates the distance and loves anyway. He feels for each who are strangers to Him exactly what I feel for my own beloved Dump. I CAN have fellowship with her. I am the light in her darkness, even though sometimes I feel like that light is just shy of illuminating because she doesn't recognize that it's there. She chooses darkness.
And yet, I love her. I don't stop talking to her about what's real in my life--WHO is real in my life--and she listens, not because she agrees but because she loves me. I don't stop listening to her either. I don't try to convert her or preach to her, but simply love and accept her life as it is. It's easy to do that because I love her. Right now, today, no matter what.

But I pray.

[I] pray this so that the Name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ."      1 Thessalonians 1:12


Dawn Paoletta said...

So glad to have you back, Carolyn! You were missed. And what a powerful post...and reminder. I need to affirm this in myself often, this we Love bevause He loved...and none of us can muster love from themselves for the unlovely, but God loves...and He gives us love from above to FREELY give, express and lavish on others...that we might reflect the supernaturalness of our all powerful God! As always am humbled and blessed by your heart and words. Thank you so much for sharing them with us.

quietspirit said...

"He hates the distance and loves anyway."
That's what we call grace. Without it we would be not who we are and not where we are. I missed you last month but life does get in the way. Praise God that we have Him to help us through it.

Pamela M. Steiner said...

Just like God, He loves us unconditionally and keeps shining His light into our lives. Someday your loved one will open her eyes and accept that light as her own. Keep up the faith, and keep letting your light shine in her darkness. She may be closer than you think. Thank you for this glimpse into your world. Praying for you and your dear one. God knows.

Anonymous said...

Carolyn- What a heartfelt entry in your journal...I pray God answers your heart desires for your good that you have His perspective...but it's still a hard place to the waiting and longing for a loved one to say YES to God's love for them.